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What if the reason desire feels different lately has nothing to do with attraction… love… or the strength of your relationship? What if it has more to do with the season you’re in? I hear this from people all the time: “I love my partner… so why don’t I want sex more often?”
“It used to feel easy…now it feels hard to connect that way.”
“Why does my body feel physically shut down?”
“Why does my partner seem uninterested lately?” And of course, then we wonder: Is something wrong with us? And if I had to guess - I’d say probably not. And here is why… In the absence of conflict, resentment or disconnect (and we will cover all that next week), we really don’t talk enough about how desire changes across seasons of life. New babies. Toddlers. Teenagers. Career stress. Work travel. Aging parents. Hormone changes. Physical health challenges. Mental health challenges. Perimenopause. Menopause. Sleep deprivation. Grief. Overwhelm. Lower Testosterone. Medication side effects. And the list goes on… Different seasons of life place different demands on our bodies.. So what often happens is that our desire changes… but our expectations don’t. So we start telling ourselves: “They must not be attracted to me anymore.”
“They only want one thing.”
“They don’t care about this part of our relationship.”
“Something is wrong with me… or something is wrong with us.” When in reality, the body may be responding to stress, exhaustion, pressure… or simply the normal physiology of hormonal changes and good old aging. Bodies evolve over time. What felt easy at 25 may require a little more effort at 45… it’s just biology. A stressed out body may not readily feel desire. And an aging body may not feel it the way it once did. That isn’t rejection, nor is it a loss of love and attraction. It’s also not the end of intimacy… it’s just information. For many people, desire isn’t spontaneous, even if it was at one time. Desire can be responsive and only develop in the right conditions. Under pressure or amidst chaos do not qualify. But safety and connection do. So instead of asking: “Why don’t they want me?” or “Why don’t I want it?” a more helpful question becomes: What season are we in… and what does my body need right now? Because desire isn’t something you force. It’s something you allow. And the conditions that allow it to grow may look different in each season. Here are a few ways to begin creating those conditions: 1. Name the season instead of blaming each other If life feels heavy, or bodies feel different, or energy is lower than it used to be - that matters. Try: “We’ve been under a lot of pressure lately.”
“Our bodies are changing.”
“This season is demanding.” Understanding creates compassion instead of assumptions that likely aren’t true. 2. Create a transition out of stress mode Our bodies typically aren’t able to go from work stress and kid chaos directly into “let’s get it on” mode. Desire isn’t a light switch we can simply turn on. Try building a short buffer before heading to bed: dim the lights, take a warm shower, sit together without screens and slow your breathing. This tells the body you are safe. And safety fosters desire. 3. Make physical affection the norm - not just a prelude When physical touch feels like it always has an agenda, bodies can become guarded. But physical connection without expectation - a lingering hug, sitting close, holding hands, a back rub with no next step required - builds connection. Connection is where desire grows. Pressure shuts it down. 4. Stay open to desire - and build connection throughout the day In some seasons, desire shows up first. In others, it takes a minute. it shows up after closeness, touch, laughter, or emotional connection. So if you are waiting around to feel magically “in the mood,” you may be waiting a long time. Instead, stay open to the possibility… and create the conditions for it to grow. Snuggle on the couch. Turn on music. Light a candle. Send the “thinking about you” text in the middle of the day. Laugh in the kitchen. Reach for each other in small ways. Do what your body needs to slow down, relax and see what happens - without pressure or promise. If this conversation feels familiar - whether you’re the one wanting more intimacy or the one struggling to feel desire - this week’s podcast episode goes much deeper into this topic. In Episode 25: Arousal and the Body, we’re continuing with the SPARK Intimacy Series and talking about how desire changes across seasons of life, the assumptions couples make, and how stress and aging influence desire more than we realize. Click on the links below to watch on my YouTube Channel or listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. (And if you do - please like, follow or leave me a comment and let me know what you think of it!)
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