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It’s graduation week! Our baby girl, Natalie, is graduating from high school today, so it’s a full house, lots of emotions, and lots to do. I say that to preface this conversation, because big events and life transitions often expose the differences in people. If you are in any kind of relationship, you know that having differences is normal and expected. And you know most of them aren’t major things… it’s the everyday things, like: Where are we going for dinner? What time do we need to leave the house? Should we really spend the money on that? Whose family are we visiting? Did we really need another Amazon package? Or my personal favorite - What temperature should the house be?
And somehow, these little decisions can create SO much tension… This topic felt really real and relatable to me this week as we were making decisions around where to have lunch after graduation. I wanted to host family at our house. That felt easier and less stressful for me. We wouldn’t have to rush to make a reservation time (having no idea when the ceremony will end), we could spend time with everyone freely, rather than only those next to you at a long restaurant table, and if I am emotional, (which I will absolutely be emotional,) I can regroup in my bedroom if I need to. KC, on the other hand, says hosting at home would be more stressful for him, so let’s eat out. So the big question is….. Who gets their way? I am certain every one of you have been in situations like this where you just see it differently. And what stresses one of you out, may not stress the other out and vice versa. So… how we handle these disagreements creates the emotional culture of your relationship. Do both people matter equally?
Does one person always give in?
Does one person dominate decisions?
Do we know how to disagree without turning it into a competition? As I explored this topic on the podcast this week, I shared a story about being a kid and going into 7-11 with my sister to buy ONE box of cereal for the next morning. Somehow we walked out with the cereal I wanted… and she got in trouble for “always giving me my way,” and I was painted as the “bully.” It was confusing, quite honestly. And what we learn as kids, we take into adulthood and into our relationships. So you may have learned: Or you may have learned: push harder argue your point be persuasive fight for what you want
Then we all get married and wonder why it all feels complicated. 😂 So here are 5 questions I think every couple should ask themselves when they hit these moments of tension. 1. Does this actually matter to me… or do I just want to win?It’s a tough question, because sometimes we dig our heels in over things we don’t care that much about. We just don’t like NOT getting our way. If it doesn’t really matter to you… let it go. 2. Have I become the person who usually gets their way?We all know how easy it is to identify the “controlling one” in OTHER people’s relationships, right? But it’s much harder to look honestly at ourselves. Sometimes one person talks more, pushes harder, gets louder, keeps bringing it up over and over again, or simply has the stronger personality. And eventually the other person just gives in because it feels easier. But that’s not really compromise. That’s one partner being exhausted by the other. Healthy relationships require enough self-awareness to ask:
“Do I actually make room for my partner’s wants and preferences too?” 3. Am I giving in because I genuinely don’t care… or because I really hate conflict?How many times have we said, “Oh I don’t care.” or “Anything’s fine.” Meanwhile… we absolutely DO care and anything is NOT fine. We just don’t want tension. We don’t want to disappoint people. We don’t want to seem difficult. And we absolutely don’t want conflict. But over time, constantly silencing yourself creates resentment. And eventually, you start blaming your partner for not considering you, when YOU are not considering you. Healthy relationships REQUIRE learning how to say:
“This matters to me.” Without guilt. Without apologizing. Without turning it into a big fight. 4. Is there a way for BOTH people to matter here?When you believe every disagreement has to have a winner and a loser, it’s easy for couples to get stuck. Disagreements are nuanced. They hold different meaning for both people. They are not black and white. So maybe the solution isn’t yes or no. Maybe it’s “not right now.” Or maybe it’s a different version, a different solution, or finding middle ground. Compromise doesn’t always mean 50/50. Compromise means BOTH people are considered. 5. What kind of relationship are we trying to build?This is the big one. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want. You are going to have differences. How do you want to handle them? Do you want: Or do you want a relationship where both people can be honest, both people can have preferences, and both people sometimes stretch for the other person because they care about them? I know that’s the kind of relationship I want. And if that’s what you want too, check out my podcast episode this week. I go way more in depth on how you can create this type of relationship for yourself. You can watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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