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It’s the middle of November… which basically means we’re about to enter the holiday shopping vortex. Every year, there’s a moment when you think, “Wait… how did the Amazon cart reach $422?” (That’s not just me, right? 😂) Or you’re whisper-yelling at your partner, “Did you seriously buy another gift for the kids?!” Money brings up a lot of emotions. Especially this time of year. But you know, money is never just about money. It represents security, freedom, identity, fear, survival, power, responsibility… All the things that run DEEP in our nervous system. And our attitudes about money don’t start in adulthood - they start in childhood. Some of us grew up hearing:
“We can’t afford that.” or “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Others grew up with spending as an expression of love or celebration. Some of us were raised in scarcity. Some in abundance. Some in chaos.
Some in structure. So of course when you put two people together, you’ll have two totally different subconscious money stories trying to create one life. KC and I definitely came into our marriage with two different money stories, and this played out for years until we learned to do things differently. For example, Christmas shopping has historically been my department. So I handled all of our gifts to the kids, Santa’s gifts, gifts to the family, stocking stuffers and the like. And every year, we ended up in the same argument: I overspent.
He felt blindsided.
I felt unappreciated.
He felt like I didn’t consider the budget.
I felt like we didn’t have a budget.
He felt like the budget was “common sense.” Sound familiar? It wasn’t actually about the money. It was about not working as a team. And this happened year after year until we finally decided to do things differently. Not perfectly, mind you, as we still have disagreements over money - and that’s ok. The key is that we make every effort to be honest and intentional, and we work together to make decisions around money and spending that feel good to us both. So how do we do that? Well here are 5 steps that made a big difference for us, and the same ones I now coach couples to use. 1. Build a Shared Money Mindset (Not Yours vs. Mine)The biggest shift couples can make isn’t about budgeting - it’s about perspective. It’s moving from “your money vs. my money” to “our resources, our goals, our decisions.” Teammates share resources, make decisions together and build the future together. 2. Understand Each Other’s Money StoryWe all carry subconscious beliefs about money from childhood. Talk about them. Ask each other: “What did money feel like growing up?” “What were you taught to fear or avoid?” “What makes you anxious when we talk about money?” “What do you value most when it comes to spending?”
Understanding why your partner behaves as they do creates compassion instead of criticism. 3. Have a Simple Weekly or Biweekly Money Check-InYou don’t need complicated spreadsheets. You don’t need hours of meetings. You just need 15–20 minutes where you: It turns money from a stressor into an opportunity for connection and teamwork. 4. Agree on a Budget Based on Values (Not Restriction)I will be honest… for a long time, when I heard the word “budget,” I’d immediately think it’s a plan to keep me from spending. But in reality, it’s a plan to afford me the opportunity to keep spending on the things that actually matter. So the question isn’t, “What should we cut?” But rather, “What matters most to us as a couple? And how do we manage our money so we get to continue spending on those things?” Maybe it’s: When your budget reflects your values, you both feel respected and understood. 5. Build a Future Plan That Protects Your PeaceLong-term security is one of the deepest emotional needs in a relationship. And financial security is not only important for you as a couple, but also extends to your children and family. You don’t have to have it all figured out, but you do need a direction. Together, sit down and create a simple plan for: And if money feels confusing or overwhelming for both of you, that’s ok. It just means you need some support in this area. Try taking a basic money management course together or meeting with a financial advisor who can help you build a plan step-by-step. Planning your future together strengthens trust, connection, and stability. On the Podcast this week:This week on the Relating with Jen Funk podcast, I’m talking all about how money impacts connection, why couples clash financially, and how to see holiday budgeting as an opportunity for teamwork. Click the links below to listen or watch, and if you enjoy it, please leave a review, comment, like, or subscribe! (Thank you!)
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