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This week, my husband, KC, and I had a pretty difficult conversation. It went something like this… I told him something he said had hurt me. He quickly replied with, “Sorry.” So I think to myself “Is that it? Is that all he is going to say?” And before I could even finish my thought, he launched straight into, “…but you blah blah blah.” And just like that, the apology disappeared into thin air. Sound familiar? Here’s the thing: when an apology comes with a “but,” it’s not really an apology at all. It’s a defense. It’s a way of saying: “Sure, I’ll say sorry because I’m supposed to…” “…but really, you’re the one at fault.”
And in that moment, the hurt doesn’t get soothed - it just gets brushed aside. And when hurt is brushed aside, it doesn’t magically disappear. It lingers and festers, and it often grows into something bigger. What started as a small hurt can easily become big frustration, resentment, or anger. Now you’re not only dealing with your partner’s original pain, you’re also dealing with the fallout of them feeling unheard and dismissed. Fake Apologies We’ve All Heard (and maybe said 😬)“I’m sorry you feel that way.” “Sorry, but if you hadn’t done XYZ…” “Fine, sorry. Are you happy now?” “I said sorry. What more do you want from me?”
Notice how each one shifts the focus off of the person apologizing and back onto the other person. It leaves the hurt unacknowledged and the relationship still disconnected. How to Offer a REAL ApologyA true apology isn’t about admitting you’re “wrong” or “bad.” It’s an inescapable fact that we are going to hurt each other sometimes. It is about recognizing that your words or actions caused your partner pain and making amends for it. A real, true apology that creates connection with your partner has 3 parts: Takes ownership (“I’m sorry I raised my voice.”) Includes empathy (“I know that must have felt terrible.”) Offers repair (“Next time I’ll pause before reacting.”)
And once you’ve given a good apology, stop there. Resist the urge to tack on a “but you…” at the end. That little phrase undoes everything you just did. And to go one step further… do what you said when you offered repair. You may not get it right every time, but your partner will know if you are making the effort. That’s where healing and reconnection happen. PSA - If you truly have an issue with your partner (that “but you blah blah blah…” part), trust me when I say you will be better soothing your partner’s hurt FIRST. Then, when things are calm and you both feel connected again, you can share your feelings and perspective too. Why This MattersHere’s the difference: A short, weak apology (“Sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry, but…”) actually creates more distance. Your partner feels dismissed, misunderstood, and still hurt. (Now even more so!) A well-said apology, on the other hand, can be a turning point. It rebuilds trust, reestablishes connection, and reminds your partner you care and you’re on the same team.
Apologies aren’t just about smoothing things over in the moment. They’re about strengthening the long-term connection in your marriage. Every sincere apology is like a small deposit into the emotional bank account between you and your partner. Our Truth❤️Clearly, KC and I didn’t nail this one on the first try. That quick “sorry, but…” left me frustrated, and he felt defensive. (And trust me, I’ve done this too! It’s such an easy trap to fall into when you’re feeling defensive.) So we had to loop back later, slow down, and try again. And you know what? The second time around, the apology landed. My approach was softer, he didn’t feel defensive, and the apology was earnest and heartfelt so we both felt closer, understood, and connected again. That’s marriage. We’re not perfect at it, even after 24 years. We’re normal people who sometimes get it wrong before we get it right. The important thing is that we keep practicing, keep choosing connection, and keep using the tools we’ve learned - even when it takes a do-over. If This Hit Home…If this topic struck a chord, you’re not alone. Offering real apologies can be one of the biggest challenges for couples. But once you know how, it can be a true game-changer. I go deeper into this topic this week on my podcast - Relating with Jen Funk. New episodes drop every Thursday, so check it out at the links below and like or subscribe so you don’t miss an episode!
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