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I can think back to so many arguments I’ve had with my husband, KC, where the conversation went south and I walked away angry. I knew we needed to come back and finish the conversation. Staying angry felt awful. The silence was lonely. And with every hour that passed, I could feel the disconnection growing. But despite how miserable it felt, I’d still just stomp around the house thinking “Well, I’m not reaching out to HIM first! HE owes ME an apology!” I wanted us to be okay again. I just wanted him to make the first move. I think we all know that conflict is unavoidable in a marriage. There will be some conflict at some point… but the conflict isn’t what usually creates the biggest problems. It's what happens after the conflict… The waiting. The silence. The stubbornness. (Who me? 😂) And even worse, it’s the stories we start telling ourselves. "If he cared, he'd come talk to me." "She's obviously not sorry." "Why am I the one who always has to fix things?" So the longer we wait before the issue is resolved, the more convinced we become that we're right. And the more disconnected we feel. What I've realized over the years is that while I was stomping around and giving the silent treatment, I wasn't really protecting my heart. I was protecting my pride. It was my pride telling me "Don't give in. Make him come to you first. He’s the one that started this. If you go first, he’ll think he was right." But my heart was saying "I miss us. I love him. I just want us to be okay again." And so I’ve had to make the choice many times: Am I going to listen to my pride? Or am I going to listen to my heart? Because every time I choose my pride over my relationship, I lose a little bit of the connection I'm trying so hard to protect. And to be clear… when I listen to my heart, that doesn't mean pretending I wasn't hurt. And it doesn’t mean that I take all the blame either. It simply means deciding that our relationship matters more than winning the standoff. I believe that one person can change the dynamic in a relationship. I’ve watched this happen in my own marriage and with the couples I work with too. Sometimes all it takes is one person saying... "I don’t like where we are right now… can we start over?" Or even better… "I've been thinking about our argument, and I wish I had handled part of it differently. I’m sorry. Can we try again?" Those simple words have a way of changing the energy between you almost immediately. And while they don’t magically solve the problem, they almost always make it easier to solve it together. So the next time you find yourself waiting for your partner to make the first move... Ask yourself: What’s keeping me from reaching out first? And then, an even better question: Is holding back helping my relationship or hurting it? Because someone has to go first. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that in my almost 25 year marriage, when that person has been me, I have never regretted it. Not once. And it’s not because KC always responded perfectly… It’s because choosing my relationship has never been the wrong decision. So maybe today is the day you decide to go first? It may not be easy… (swallowing down that big gulp of pride never is!) But the connection you're hoping for may begin the moment you’re willing to take that first step.❤️ If this is a struggle in your relationship, this week's podcast goes much deeper into why it's so hard to go first after a fight and the four simple steps that can help you reconnect without pretending you weren't hurt or taking all the blame. You can watch the podcast episode on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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