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What would happen to your relationship if you stop trying? If you stop being the one who brings things up… the one who plans the date nights… the one who says, “Can we please talk?”… the one who suggests counseling… the one who keeps trying to create some kind of connection… Would your partner notice? Would they step in? Or would nothing happen? I think that’s a question many people ask themselves, when they feel like they are doing all the heavy lifting to keep the relationship going. And not only does it feel frustrating when you feel like you are the only one making an effort, it can also be exhausting and extremely lonely. And you wonder, if I stop holding it all together, will it just… be over? When we care about something so deeply, we usually try harder and harder and want to do more. Sometimes we get so worried about the relationship that we become the “relationship manager.” And instead of focusing on doing our part, we start doing both people’s jobs. We track how connected we are. We decide when we need to talk. We plan all the time together. We initiate all the hard conversations. And then we get more and more resentful that our partner isn’t doing any of it. But sometimes, our partner gets so used to us doing all the work, that we make it easy for them not to. Or they just chalk it up to “Well, he/she cares way more about this stuff than I do.” Or sometimes, we get into a pursue-withdraw cycle, where the more we try to pursue and get closer, the more our partner pulls away or retreats. And then sometimes, the reality is a lot harder. Sometimes you really are not doing too much. You are asking for pretty reasonable things… “Can we spend some time together?” “Will you go to counseling with me?” “Can we talk about what’s going on?” …and your partner just doesn’t want to engage. Well, we know we can’t control our partner. We can’t make them participate in the relationship or force them to be better for us. But just because we can’t control them, it doesn’t mean we are powerless. There are things we can do on our side. And will these things guarantee our partner will change? No… but they will help us stop carrying everything and get clearer about what’s actually happening in the relationship. So this week, try these 3 things: 1. Get really clear about what you actually want. Asking your partner to “care more” or “try harder” won’t work. You have to get specific. “Would you plan something for us to do this weekend?” “Can we have dinner tonight without our phones?” “Can we sit down and really talk tonight?” 2. Stop doing everything. Pick one thing to let go of. Maybe you stop reminding them to call the counselor. Maybe you stop initiating every single conversation about the relationship. Maybe you stop planning all of your together time. Just let go of one thing. 3. Pay attention to what comes back. Do not expect perfection. You are just looking for willingness. Do they move toward you at all? Are you seeing any effort? In the darkest days of our marriage, it was far from perfect. But KC was always willing to try to make things better. So we never gave up. So while I believe one person can absolutely change the dynamic of a relationship… one person cannot create a partnership alone. And that is what I’m digging into much more deeply on this week’s podcast episode, “When You’re the Only One Trying in Your Relationship.” You can listen or watch using the links below.
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