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Have you ever had someone say something to you that immediately made you want to defend yourself? Maybe your spouse says: “I don’t feel like you’ve really been listening to me lately.” And your first thought is… Are you kidding me? I listen to you ALL the time. Or a friend says: “I was a little hurt that you didn’t include me.” And you immediately start explaining all the reasons why it wasn’t intentional… or why they really shouldn’t be upset. I think most of us do this at some point or another. We hear something we don’t agree with, or something that feels unfair, and our instinct is to correct it or explain it. We want to defend ourselves and tell them what they misunderstood. But here’s the problem: If every time someone tells us something difficult, they end up having to defend why they feel that way, eventually they may just stop telling us. And that’s when little things start becoming big things. Your spouse stops saying, “That bothered me.” Your friend stops saying, “I felt left out.” Your child stops saying, “Guess what happened at the party last night,” Sometimes they decide that bringing it up to us is more trouble than it’s worth. And that got me thinking about something I talked about on this week’s podcast: We all like to say… “You can tell me anything.” “I want you to be honest with me.” “If something is bothering you, please tell me.” And I think most of us sincerely mean that. But then… What happens when they do? Because our reaction teaches people either “You can bring this to me.” OR “Yeah… maybe don’t bring this to me next time.” Now I do want to point out that creating that kind of safety does NOT mean you have to agree with everything someone says. You can disagree. You can have boundaries. You can be sad, mad, scared, frustrated... There can even be consequences when needed. You just don’t want the other person to immediately regret being honest with you. So here are three things to try this week: 1. Watch your first five seconds. You don’t have to respond to every thought or emotion the second you feel it. Sometimes “Okay… tell me more” is enough. Or even: “I can feel myself getting defensive, so I’m going to take a breath, but I do want to hear you.” 2. Don’t argue someone out of how they feel. If someone says, “That hurt my feelings,” you don’t have to agree that you did something terrible. But instead of arguing over why their feelings “shouldn’t” have been hurt, try saying: “That wasn’t how I meant it, but I can see that it hurt you, and I’m sorry.” Very different conversation. 3. Ask yourself one question before you respond: “What do I want this person to learn from this conversation?” Do I want my spouse to learn that they can tell me when something is bothering them? Do I want my kids to know they can come to me when they’ve made a mistake? Do I want my friends to know they can tell me when I’ve hurt their feelings? Because people learn us. They learn what we can handle. They learn what sets us off. And then they adjust accordingly. So this week, instead of only asking yourself: “Are the people in my life being honest with me?” Pay attention to what happens when they are. Because sometimes what looks like an honesty problem… might actually be a reaction problem. I explore all of this much further in this week’s podcast/YouTube episode. I talk about how this shows up in marriages, friendships, parenting and other relationships, and what we can do differently so the people we love are more likely to bring us the little things while they’re still little. You can listen on the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch the full episode on YouTube by clicking the links below:
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