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Have you ever felt like - no matter what you do - you just can’t get it right? Like you’re trying… but somehow you’re still getting corrected…
or questioned… or told how you should have done it? And after a while, you just start thinking: Why even bother? Or… maybe you’re on the other side of this. Maybe you’re thinking: “Why can’t they just do it the right way?”
“This would be so much easier if they’d just listen…” And what’s really hard is that both of those people are in the same relationship. And what feels like helping on one side… feels like never being good enough on the other. Conversations that go this way are not about the dishwasher or the groceries or how something got done. It’s about the feeling that gets created over time. Because when one person becomes the constant corrector, and the other is always the one being corrected, you don’t end up feeling like partners anymore. You end up feeling like a parent and a child. Or a manager and employee. And you know what doesn’t survive in that dynamic? Connection. Respect. Attraction. And so many other qualities a healthy thriving relationship needs. So what do we do to change this? Here are some simple steps, no matter which side of criticism you are on: If you’re the one feeling criticized…1. Recognize the pattern Not every complaint is criticism, but… if you regularly feel dismissed, corrected or like your effort doesn’t count, then you may be in a criticism cycle. 2. Pause before you assume you’re wrong Not every comment = truth.
Ask yourself: Did I actually do something wrong… or just different than my partner would have done it? 3. Say how it feels (not just what happened) Instead of shutting down or snapping back, try:
“When you say it that way, I feel like I can’t get it right.”
“I’m open to hearing you - but I shut down when it comes out like correction.” 4. Set a new standard for how you want to be spoken to Changing this dynamic requires you set a new standard. This might sound like: “If you need something from me, I need you ask me directly instead of waiting and correcting me after the fact.”
“I want to hear your needs, but not in a tone that makes me feel less than you.” And if you’re realizing… “Oh no, this might be me…”First - good. That’s the kind of honesty to you need in order to make a change. Now try this: 1. Turn criticism into a request Instead of: “Why would you do it like that?”
Try: “Hey - can we try it this way next time? It would really help me.” Same message. Totally different impact. 2. Say what’s actually going on underneath A lot of criticism is just frustration in disguise. So instead of: “You never help”
Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and could really use your help tonight.” That invites them in instead of pushing them away. 3. Catch them doing something right If the only thing your partner hears is what they’re doing wrong…
they will eventually stop trying. Start looking for what’s working and what they ARE doing - and say it. 4. Pause before you correct Just ask yourself these questions when you find yourself about to correct your partner: Is this necessary?
Is this helpful?
Or do I just want it done my way? Not everything needs to be fixed. And not everything needs to be done your way. At the end of the day, the way you speak to each other - every single day - is either building connection… or slowly breaking it down. And most couples don’t realize it’s happening until they feel really far apart. If you can relate to this topic, from either side, I go much deeper into this dynamic in this week’s podcast episode, including how this shows up in your sex life (it does) and how to actually change it. You can watch or listen using the links below. (And if you do - please like, follow and subscribe! Or you can leave a review or a comment and let me know what you think of it!)
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