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Have you ever gotten so irritated with your partner that the sound of them chewing makes you lose your mind? Ok wait - Is that just me? Did you know that’s actually a condition called misophonia? Anyone else blessed with this? I’ve got it so badly my sister bought me a baseball cap that says “chew quieter!” 😂 But I digress…. It’s not just the chewing… I’m talking about anything and everything about them that just annoys you lately - way more than it should. It’s like they can just walk into a room and you’re already irritated with them. And it feels like a fairly new phenomenon in your relationship, so it makes you wonder all sorts of things like… Is this normal? Does everyone get this annoyed with their spouse? Why am I SO irritated all the time? Is it my hormones? Are we just incompatible? Have we fallen out of love? I think a lot of couples go through seasons like this - especially when life feels nonstop. You’re juggling schedules, kids, aging parents, work, finances, groceries, laundry, everyone’s needs, everyone’s feelings… and after awhile, you start feeling emotionally exhausted. And usually the person standing closest to us gets hit with the overflow of all that stress. But what is important to know is that most of the time, the irritation and annoyance you feel is not actually the real problem. It’s usually just a symptom of something deeper that’s likely been building for awhile. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling lonely. Feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world and everyone in it. And you’re not feeling emotionally connected to your partner. And when those feelings sit there long enough, your brain starts filtering everything through hurt and frustration. So now when your partner forgets to stop at the store, it doesn’t FEEL like “Oh he forgot.” It feels like “He doesn’t think about me. I’m doing everything alone. I don’t matter.” That’s why little things suddenly start feeling so much bigger. Now the hard part is - when we feel disconnected, we usually become more irritable, short-tempered, critical or withdrawn - which then pushes our partner farther away… Because who wants to cozy up to that? 😧 So the very thing we’re craving - closeness, comfort, reassurance - becomes so much harder to create. Sadly, I think this is why so many couples drift apart, and they don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s too late. Even when couples really love each other, when they stop nurturing the connection between them, the relationship morphs into roommates or co-managers. They talk a lot of about schedules and bills and groceries. And while they are doing all that talking about logistics, they are doing a lot less laughing, flirting, touching and being curious about how the other one feels about things. And over time, the relationship itself starts feeling like one more responsibility, instead of a place of comfort. I see this pattern a lot in my coaching practice, and the good news is, it does not have to mean your relationship is over. But that constant irritation you feel? That’s definitely a signal that your relationship needs attention. If you can relate, here are a few small things to start trying this week: 1. Get honest with yourself:When you’re about to lose it over the “incorrect” loading of the dishwasher… ask yourself “What am I really upset about here?” Because most of the time, it’s deeper than the dishes. Usually underneath that irritation is something more vulnerable like: And those are VERY different conversations than “You loaded the dishwasher wrong again.” 2. Bring things up earlier - and softer.Most couples wait until they’re already angry to talk. Which means that when the conversation happens, it’s probably filled with criticism, sarcasm, snappy comments and scorekeeping. And very few people respond well to that. So instead of saying “You NEVER listen.” Try “I miss feeling connected to you lately.” That one sentence changes the entire tone and conversation. 3. Look for what’s STILL good.Resentment creates tunnel vision. Our brains becomes hyper-focused on what’s wrong with our partner, instead of what is right. So you have to be intentional about this, not because you’re denying you have problems, but because resentment distorts your perception. (If you want an easy way to do this daily, check out this link.) 4. Rebuild connection first.A lot of couples think: “Once we fix all our problems, then we will feel close again.” But I think that’s backwards. I believe feeling connected again is what will HELP you solve your problems. So start small: sit outside together after dinner go for a walk watch something funny together flirt a little again put your phones down go to bed at the same time when you can hug longer than two seconds talk about something besides logistics
Small moments matter way more than people think. 5. Stop keeping score.This one can be hard - especially if you really do feel like you’re doing more. But scorekeeping puts couples on opposite teams. Every interaction becomes: “Well I did this…” “Yeah but I did THAT.” And eventually the relationship starts feeling transactional instead of loving. So the question isn’t “Who’s doing more?” The better question is “How do we feel like a team again?” Because underneath a lot of resentment is usually someone who deeply misses feeling connected. (Side note: If you do feel there is an imbalance in responsibility, I’m not suggesting you ignore it. That’s just a different conversation for another newsletter.) I go much more in depth about this topic on this week’s podcast episode, including conversation about: why resentment builds why little things suddenly feel so triggering what emotional disconnection does to relationships and practical ways to reconnect before the distance grows too big
You can watch or listen using these links:
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