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Here’s a fun topic for you… Let’s talk about fighting! 😂 Could be with your partner, your parents, your kids, your in-laws… It doesn’t matter who its with - the rules are still pretty much the same. And I’m guessing you’ve had at least one argument where, somewhere in the middle of it, you thought to yourself: “Well… this has gone completely off the rails!” Maybe it started over the dishes, or someone being late, or a comment that rubbed you the wrong way. But now you’re talking about the birthday they forgot, something they said three weeks ago, their mother, and every other unresolved issue you’ve had since 2014! And once you’re at that point, no one is solving anything. Because you’re both just mad. (And working very hard to prove why you have every right to be mad!) KC and I have definitely been there. And we know how easy it is to start thinking: “Well, if HE would just stop yelling… and stop being so defensive! And if SHE would actually listen and stop interrupting, I could make my point!” But even when the other person is handling things badly, we still have choices about how we participate in the conversation. You can choose not to match their volume. You can choose not to pile on five other things to your main issue. You can choose not to say something horrible you know will hurt them. You can choose to stop the conversation before it gets completely out of control. That’s where fighting well starts - not with getting the other person to behave better, but with deciding what you will and won’t do when you’re upset. These are basic rules of fighting. And I think every relationship needs them. Here are just a few to consider: Don’t start serious conversations when you are mad. Don’t bring up five different problems at once. Don’t threaten divorce or ending the relationship unless it’s really up for discussion. Don’t call each other names or use personal insecurities as weapons. Don’t continue with a conversation where one or both of you is getting amped up. Take a break and come back to it later. That last one is important. Taking a break doesn’t mean storming off, slamming the door, or refusing to ever discuss it again. Taking a break sounds more like: “I’m too angry to do this well right now. I need an hour, but I do want to come back and finish this conversation.” That’s not avoiding the issue. That’s avoiding making it worse. A Couple Things to Try This Week:First, think about the way conflict usually goes wrong in one of your closest relationships. Do you yell? Do you shut down? Do you pile on every other problem? Do you keep talking long after either of you is capable of listening? Do you say things you regret later? Choose the one pattern that feels most familiar to you and then decide what you will do differently instead. For instance, maybe you tend to yell when you get angry… Your new plan will be: “When I feel my voice getting louder, I will ask for a break.” Second, create a simple conflict agreement with your partner (or whomever you don’t argue well with!). Sit down when both of you are calm and decide together: What is off-limits when we argue? How will we ask for a break? When will we return to the conversation? How do we want to treat each other, even when we’re upset?
You don’t need twenty rules. Start with four or five that address the ways your arguments usually go wrong. Because when you are angry or hurt, that is when your relationship needs the most protection. (And it is also when you are least likely to protect it!) This Week’s PodcastIn this week’s episode, I’m sharing 8 practical rules for fighting more effectively - with your partner, parents, in-laws, kids, or anyone else you care about. We’re talking about what to do when a conversation escalates, why alcohol and important discussions don’t mix, how to stay focused on one issue, and what to say instead of yelling, threatening, or saying something you can’t take back. You can listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or watch on YouTube using the links below. Remember, you may not be able to control how another person fights. But you can decide who you are going to be in the fight. And sometimes that changes everything.
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