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Some family relationships are easy. In-law relationships are rarely one of them. When I sat down to create this week’s newsletter and podcast episode, I realized pretty quickly there was no way to talk about in-law relationships in just one short email or conversation. They are much too complex for that. So this is just the beginning - Part 1. And this is not the part where I tell you who is right and who is wrong. It’s never that easy. :) This is the part where I tell you that understanding, compassion, patience and perspective are what is most important when dealing with your in-laws. And also - not always easy. First, it’s important to understand why these relationships can feel so emotionally charged - for everyone involved. For the person who marries into a family, you step into a system that existed long before you. There are traditions you didn’t grow up with. History you don’t fully know. Roles you don’t understand and certainly didn’t help create. And yet suddenly, you’re deeply connected to these people.. and hopefully for life! And for many daughters-in-law (and sons-in-law too!), that can feel pretty vulnerable… so it’s very common to wonder: While you didn’t ask to replace anyone in your partner’s life,
you did become their primary person. And in that new position, there is often pressure - to keep the peace, to not rock the boat, to be accommodating and easy. Feeling unsure in a family you didn’t grow up in is completely normal.
You want to feel like you belong, but belonging - and trust - take time. Of course, showing respect and making an effort matter, but belonging doesn’t require proving yourself or earning your place. Your partner chose you already. You are enough just as you are. And if you’re not new to the family - maybe you’ve been in the family for years - the in-law relationships still need work and attention. For the daughter or son-in-law, you have more influence on these relationships than you may realize. And as with all relationships, small actions can make a big difference. Here are a few to consider: sharing a photo or quick update by phone or text inviting parents/grands to join you for special moments or events acknowledging their importance to you out loud (tell them!)
And none of these gestures are because you have to - but because relationships are reciprocal. And if you are the parents and/or grandparents, trying to stay connected to your adult children - while simultaneously letting them go - is a very emotionally complex transition. Loving your adult children doesn’t stop, but your role certainly changes.
The way you’re connected to their daily life changes. And that change can bring up fear and uncertainty about where you fit into their lives now. Sometimes what looks like control or jealousy is really fear: fear of losing closeness with your adult child fear of becoming irrelevant in their lives fear of not knowing where you fit into their lives anymore
It is so important to acknowledge those feelings and work through them, so that your presence feels like support to your adult child and their spouse - not pressure. When your child and his/her spouse feel respected and supported, trust grows. And when that trust grows, they are so much more likely to include you in their lives and the lives of their children. I go way more in depth on this topic on the podcast this week, so if you want better in-law relationships and need a place to start, you will definitely want to give it a listen by clicking the links below:
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