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You know how men are always joking that women never forget anything? That we can be in an argument about one thing, and all of a sudden, we bring up something that happened six months ago? And to be fair… I’ve definitely done that. Although I have learned that waiting six months to revisit something isn't exactly ideal. 😂 But all jokes aside, if I bring something up from six months ago, it’s not because I’m trying to make the argument bigger than it already is. No one wants to do that. If I bring it up again - however long later - it’s usually because it never got resolved. The conversation may have ended, but the hurt didn’t. And unresolved hurt has a funny way of showing back up when the next disagreement rolls around. There is a big difference between repairing after a conflict and simply resetting after one. So the next time you have an argument with your partner, ask yourself these four simple questions that can tell you pretty quickly whether it’s actually resolved: 1. Do I still feel hurt?This sounds like such a simple question, but I think a lot of us skip right over it. We tell ourselves to let it go. We don't want to seem dramatic. We don't want to start another argument. We just want things to feel ok again. But if you're still thinking about it days later... if you still feel the hurt and/or anger when it crosses your mind... that's usually a sign that it’s not resolved. And that doesn’t mean you are holding a grudge and can’t just “get over it.” It means that hurt feelings don't magically disappear just because we stopped talking about them. 2. Do I feel understood?Notice I didn't ask, "Do they agree with me?" 😊 Those are two very different things. Your partner can see the situation completely differently and still understand why it hurt you. And isn’t that what most of us are looking for? We don’t need agreement. We don’t need our partner to tell us we are right. We just need to feel like our experience matters and that our partner gets why it affected us the way it did. 3. Have I tried to understand them?Ok, this is a hard one. Because when my feelings are hurt, I'm usually focused on whether KC understands me. I'm not usually sitting there wondering if I understand him. 😂 But repair goes both ways. And sometimes the conversation starts to shift when we're willing to spend a little less time defending our position and a little more time listening to the other person's side of things. 4. What would repair actually look like?An apology? A conversation? Reassurance? A hug? Sometimes we're waiting for something from our partner, but we haven't actually figured out what it is. And if we don't know what would help us feel better, it's pretty hard for them to know too. The more clearly we can identify what we need, the easier it becomes to ask for it, and the more likely it is that we will get it. If you want to learn more about the difference between repairing and just resetting - and why understanding each other matters much more than agreeing - this week's podcast episode is for you! You can watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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