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Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re doing approximately 487 things for everyone around you… and then your spouse comments on the one thing that absolutely does not need commentary in that moment? That was me last week. 🤣 We were getting Natalie ready to leave for college, I was buying and organizing everything for her dorm, trying to make sure she had everything she could possibly need, managing all the emotions that come with dropping your youngest child off at college… AND at the same time, we were getting ready to bring home a new puppy. So I was in full-on GO mode. And then KC texted me something along the lines of… “Geez - how many puppy toys do we need?” Now, in fairness, the credit card alerts go to his phone and his question wasn’t completely unreasonable. I’m definitely a “buy a lot and return what you don’t need” kind of girl. But also… READ THE ROOM. 😂 Because in that moment, I was thinking: Seriously? Do you see everything I’m doing right now? And you want to talk about the amount of puppy toys? And I think that’s an important distinction. Sometimes when we say “I don’t feel appreciated,” what we really mean is “I don’t feel seen.” Or, “I don’t think you realize how much I’m doing.” Or, “I don’t think you understand how much thought is going into all of this.” And the truth is that our spouse may actually appreciate us very much… They’ve just gotten used to the things we do. The laundry gets cleaned and folded. The refrigerator stays filled. Appointments get made. Birthdays get remembered (birthday cake too!). The yard gets taken care of. The cars get serviced. Christmas magic happens every year… And because those things happen over and over again, they start to become part of the background of our lives. And we stop noticing the person doing them. And if you’re in a long term relationship right now, you know we all do this as some point or another. So what do you do when you’re feeling unappreciated?Here are a few things I want you to try this week. 1. Figure out what you actually want. Before you decide, “My spouse doesn’t appreciate me,” ask yourself what would appreciation actually look like? Do you want help? Do you want a thank you? Do you want more affection? Do you want them to notice how much you’re doing? Do you want them to take something completely off your plate? Those are all very different needs. For me, I honestly did not need KC jumping into the college packing and organizing. I wanted to do all that. But I also wanted to hear: “I see how much you’re doing right now. Thank you.” 2. Tell them instead of testing them. Now I know this is hard, because of course we want our person to notice without us having to say anything. But waiting around thinking… “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count” is nonsense. I pointed out to KC that, in light of all I was doing, his question about puppy toys was valid, but poorly timed. He immediately responded by saying how much he appreciated all I was doing and that he knew it was a lot. Now, was he prompted? Yes. But did his appreciation and acknowledgement mean any less as a result? No. So let’s give our partners the opportunity to show up for us by telling them what we need. You could simply say: “I’ve been feeling a little invisible lately. I know you probably don’t mean anything by it, but I could really use a little acknowledgment.” Or: “I don’t actually need you to fix this or do anything for me. I just need you to notice that I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.” 3. Look for something THEY’RE doing that you’ve stopped noticing. I know. This is probably super annoying advice when you’re the one wanting more appreciation. 😂 But… appreciation has a way of coming back to you! So start saying thank you for the normal stuff again. Notice something your partner handled. Tell them you saw the extra effort they made. Let them see you noticing them again. Relationships feel so much better when two people are actively looking for the good in each other. (I’ve got a great tool for you to check out to make this even easier… you can check it out here.) 4. Give yourself some credit too. I absolutely believe your spouse should appreciate you. You deserve that. But they cannot be the only person who gets to decide whether what you do has value. Sometimes you need to be able to look at your own day and say: “That was a lot, but I did it. I showed up for the people I love. I made it all happen. And I’m proud of that.” So here’s your challenge this week: Tell your partner ONE thing you need instead of waiting for them to figure it out. And then, notice ONE thing they’re doing that maybe you’ve stopped seeing too. Sometimes our relationships don’t need some giant dramatic overhaul… Sometimes we just need to start really seeing each other again. And apparently sometimes we also need fewer puppy toys. Although I remain unconvinced about that part. 😂 This Week’s PodcastIf this topic hit home with you and you want to dig into this a little more, listen or watch this week’s podcast episode. I talk much more about why appreciation starts disappearing in long-term relationships, the silent scorekeeping trap we can fall into, and how to ask for what you need without turning it into a fight. And between Natalie and the new puppy, I’m running a day behind this week. So keep an eye out tomorrow for Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage on Relating with Jen Funk. You can listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or watch on YouTube using the links below.
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