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There’s a certain kind of fight that isn’t really about the dishes. Or the phone. Or the tone of voice. It’s about winning. It’s about being right. It’s about proving you didn’t do anything wrong. Proving you’re not the bad guy. Proving your version of the story is the “real” way it happened. But here’s the big question: Do you want to win the argument and be “right”… and then feel totally disconnected after? Or do you want to let go of being right and just feel close to your partner again? You rarely get both. Most of the time, when we dig in and start building our case, we’re not really fighting about the actual thing anymore. We’re fighting to prove: “I’m not a bad partner.” “I DO care about you.” “I matter too.”
But instead of saying that, we argue facts. We replay timelines. We debate who and how someone said something and in exactly what tone of voice. Meanwhile, the person we love just wants to feel heard. And now you’re both trying to prove your point instead of protecting your connection. So the next time your heart rate goes up and you feel that urge to say,
“Okay, but that’s not what happened…” I want you to try this RESET Method. It’s a way to hit pause and “reset” before a small disagreement turns into a full-blown battle. You just remember one word: RESET. R — Remember what you’re fighting for.
Being Right? Or connection with your partner? E — Exhale.
Take a breath and pause. Nothing good comes out of a fast reaction. S — Seek to understand.
Instead of defending yourself, ask “What did that feel like to you?” or “What did you hear when I said that?” And then actually listen. E — Express accountability for your part.
Even if it’s just, “I can see why that felt that way.” Or “I didn’t mean it like that, but I get how that came across to you.” T — Team up.
Say “We’re on the same side. I care more about you than this argument.” And then end with a hug - physical connection calms everything down and reminds you that you’re not enemies. That’s it. It’s not fancy or complicated. But it completely changes the outcome of the conversation. In this week’s podcast episode of Relating with Jen Funk, I go way more in depth on the RESET Method and walk through an example of how this plays out in real life… and how different the outcome can be when just one person decides to reset instead of react. If you find yourself arguing in circles with your partner, I think you’ll find it worth your time to listen. (And If you’ve had a fight over your partner always being on their phone, you might recognize yourself in the conversation!) Click on the links below to watch on my YouTube Channel or listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. (And if you do - please like/follow/subscribe! Or leave a comment and let me know what you think of it!)
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