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In-law relationships can be wonderful… and also really hard. Because even if your in-laws are lovely people… things can still feel frustrating sometimes. And even if you love them dearly… the dynamic can still be tricky when personalities and history and traditions collide. Last week we talked about why these relationships matter and how to understand each other’s perspective. Today is Part 2… What to actually do when things feel hard. 3 Simple Strategies That Will Help:#1: Let the adult child take the lead.When it comes to in-law dynamics, the adult child is the bridge between the marriage and the extended family. Whether the tension is coming from the older generation or whether it’s coming from the daughter-in-law or son-in-law - either way, the adult child is still the bridge. They can create clarity, prevent misunderstandings, and help everyone feel respected. Within the marriage, if the adult child doesn’t act as the bridge, the other partner is the one who ends up feeling like they have to manage it all. Here’s what I mean, using Joe and Susan as an example. Let’s pretend there is an issue with Joe’s parents: If Joe avoids conflict, and leaves Susan to handle it - she ends up looking like the “difficult one.” If Joe doesn’t speak up, Susan feels like Joe doesn’t have her back - she is on her own. If Joe says “Well that’s just how they are,” Susan feels like her feelings don’t matter.
In other words… Joe needs to step up here. This isn’t about choosing sides… It’s about acting like a team. Because when you’re married, the priority isn’t to keep your parents happy… it’s protecting the partnership you’re building. #2: Set boundaries before resentment builds.Boundaries aren’t about controlling your in-laws or telling anyone what to do. They’re about deciding what you want and need going forward, so resentment doesn’t build. A boundary is basically saying: “This is what works for us.” For the couple, this might sound like: “We love spending time with you, but we’re going to head home by 7pm so the kids can get to bed.” “We enjoy visiting, but we are going to stay at a hotel this time so we all have a little more space.” “We value your opinion, but we’re keeping parenting decisions between the two of us.”
And boundaries aren’t only for the younger couple. Parents and in-laws get to have them too. This might sound like: “We’d love to help with the kids, but we need a little notice… can you ask us a day or two ahead when possible?” “We love spending time together, but we’re not able to host every holiday. Let’s rotate or pick a different day that works for everyone.”
Notice all of these boundaries are clear AND kind. The goal is to always be both. #3: Plan ahead as a team.If you wait until you’re already triggered by something your in-laws said or did, you’ll either freeze and say nothing… or snap and regret what you said. So the goal is to talk about it ahead of time and make a plan together. Identify the stress points that tend to come up during family visits and decide in advance how you want to handle them (with clarity AND kindness!) if they happen again. 3 Action Steps to Try This Week:1) Pick ONE boundary you need right now.Just start with one. Examples might be time limits, parenting comments, staying overnight, critical remarks, last-minute plans, etc. If you’re the couple: pick one boundary that would reduce stress.
If you’re the in-law: pick one boundary that helps you protect your time/energy (like needing notice before babysitting). 2) Have a plan to communicate that boundary.Before the next visit, ask:
“If this comes up, what’s our plan… and who’s going to say something?” If you’re the couple: have a short “pre-game talk” before your next family visit so you go in feeling like you’re on the same team.
If you’re the in-law: have a quick check-in with your adult child before the next visit about what would make the gathering feel smoother. 3) Choose a “go-to” phrase or two you can use when things get uncomfortable.Short and calm is the goal: “Thanks for sharing that, but we’re doing what works for us.” “That’s good to know - we’ll take it into consideration.” “We love you, and we’re happy to help when we can, but we do need a little notice.”
If you’re navigating some tricky in-law dynamics and want more on this topic, I go much deeper into all of this in this week’s podcast episode - including more on the critical role of the adult child, how to set boundaries without feeling rude, and how to handle existing conflict. Click the links below to listen or watch (and don’t forget to like, follow, and subscribe!):
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