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When we think of a marriage or relationship in trouble, we usually think of lots of fighting, yelling, criticism, saying unkind things to each other - or maybe avoiding each other altogether. Sadly, I’m sure we all know at least one couple like this, where we think “Wow… how are they still together?” But what about the couples who look great from the outside? They run their family well. They show up together to kid’s activities. Their social media posts look amazing (so they gotta be happy, right?🤣). But in the quiet, when the day is done, and they are both sitting on the couch, TV on, scrolling on their phones… one or both of them may feel incredibly lonely. Isn’t it crazy how you can be alone and not feel lonely, but you can be sitting right next to your partner and feel more alone than ever? I think this is a particularly hard dynamic in a relationship. Think of it like this… When someone does or says something that hurts us, we recognize it immediately. But what about when the problem is something that doesn’t happen? You don’t talk the way you used to. You don’t tell each other the little things anymore. Most of your conversations are about logistics - schedules, groceries, kids, work and who needs to be where. You may even be spending plenty of time together… but you still feel lonely. That’s what I’m talking about on the podcast this week. That kind of loneliness can be a sign of emotional neglect. And I know that sounds like a pretty strong term… But I don’t necessarily mean that your partner is intentionally neglecting you. A lot of the time, it happens so gradually that neither of you even notices it at first. Life gets busy, so you divide and conquer. You’re both tired, so you pick up your phones. You stop asking your partner questions. Or you stop telling your partner things because the last few times you did, they didn’t seem that interested. And little by little, you can become really good at running a life together without feeling particularly close while you’re doing it. Now maybe you already know this is exactly where you are. Or maybe you’re still wondering “What is happening to us?” Either way, here are five signs that emotional neglect may be settling in: You’ve stopped bringing things to your partner first. Almost everything you talk about is logistics. You sometimes feel lonelier when you’re together than when you’re by yourself. You’ve started convincing yourself you shouldn’t need as much from the relationship. Your partner just doesn’t seem to know much about what’s actually going on with you lately.
If some of this sounds familiar, please don’t sit your partner down tonight and announce, “You are emotionally neglecting me.” That’s probably not going to go well. 🤣 Instead, I’d do these three really simple things: 1. Tell them what you miss. Not what they’re doing wrong. This sounds more like: “I miss talking to you.” “I miss having fun with you.” “I feel like we’ve been so busy lately and I miss us.” 2. Ask for one small, specific thing. Being specific gives your partner the best chance at success. So don’t say, “I need you to be more emotionally available.” (Because what does that even look like?) Instead, ask specifically: “Can we sit outside together for 15 minutes tonight?” Or… “Can we go grab a drink Friday, just us?” 3. Pay attention to their willingness. This is so important. We aren’t looking for perfection here. Your partner may not even totally understand what you mean at first. But are they willing to listen? Are they willing to try? Are they willing to put down the phone when you ask for their attention? Are they willing to move toward you when you tell them you miss them? Again, we don’t need perfection. But I do think we need willingness. And if you both still have that, there is usually a lot you can work with. In all my years of marriage, I’ve learned that just as connection tends to fade slowly, it’s usually built back up slowly too. It’s probably not going to magically feel better after one conversation. But one conversation, plus another, plus another… One date night, plus another, plus another… Those little things add up. And over time, they can start bringing you back together - not just physically, but in the way you actually feel toward each other. This week’s podcast episode is called “Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship? 5 Signs of Emotional Neglect.” I go much deeper into the 5 signs and what you can actually do if you recognize some of them in your own relationship. You can listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch the full episode on YouTube using the links below:
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