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You can love someone a whole lot and still have them walking around feeling… not very loved. Which sounds a little crazy, right? Because you’re probably thinking: I do SO much for this person. I make dinner.
I handle things around the house.
I check in.
I plan things.
I work hard for our family.
I tell them I love them. So how in the world could they possibly feel unloved? Well, there’s a difference between loving someone and loving them in a way they actually FEEL. Maybe you show love by doing things for them… You keep the house straight, do the yardwork, make all the appointments, etc. …but what they really want is for you to sit next to them and actually talk. Maybe you tell them you love them all the time… …but they need physical affection. They feel most loved when you hug them and snuggle on the couch. Maybe you plan dates and trips and fun things… …but what they really want is for you to notice when they’re overwhelmed and say, “Hey - I’ve got this for you.” And all of those wonderful things you are already doing? They aren’t “wrong” ways to love someone…. they are great! And most likely, they are very appreciated. But they aren’t the ways that communicate love directly to your partner’s heart. Sometimes we get so busy loving our partner the way we would want to be loved that we forget to ask what actually makes them feel loved. So think about this question… If you asked your partner, “When do you feel most loved by me?” Do you know what they would say? If you do… that’s amazing! You know them well, and I hope you are doing all the things that really make a difference to them. But if you don’t really know the answer, that’s ok… I want you to consider this an opportunity… And try these things this week: 1. Ask your partner: “When do you feel most loved by me?” (And then resist the urge to follow up with “Is it when I ____? Or when I _____?”) Just let them tell you. And while you’re at it, think about your own answer too: When do YOU feel most loved by your partner? 2. Then ask the opposite question: “What do I do that I think is loving, but actually doesn’t really feel that way to you?” This one might be a little harder to ask, but it can be really helpful. Because you may be putting a lot of effort into something your partner just doesn’t care that much about - or they may experience it completely differently than you intended. Remember - don’t defend yourself or start explaining what you meant. Just listen to the answer. 3. Pick ONE thing, and DO IT. Don’t walk away from this conversation with a whole new relationship to-do list. Just take one thing your partner told you makes them feel loved and do more of that this week. That’s it. Just start with one thing. Because sometimes your partner doesn’t need you to love them more. They just need a little more of the kind of love that means the most to them. That’s what I’m talking about on this week’s episode of Relating with Jen Funk - why our best intentions don’t always translate into our partner actually feeling loved, and how to close that gap without making your relationship another job. You can listen to the podcast or watch the full episode over on YouTube - just click the links below. And I have a question for you… I’m testing out an idea and would really love your feedback. It’s for anyone who has a question or challenge in a relationship and could use some help thinking it through, but doesn’t necessarily want to schedule a live coaching call. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected from your partner.
Maybe you keep getting stuck in the same unhealthy pattern.
Maybe you’re struggling with your teenager. Whatever it is, you’d be able to send me your question privately. I could ask a few follow-up questions if I needed to, and then I’d send you back a personal response with my thoughts and some specific ideas for what you could actually do next. Kind of like having me in your inbox to talk through the stuff you’re feeling stuck on. 😊 Would that be something you’d find helpful? Just hit reply and tell me: YES — That could really help!
or
NO — That doesn’t sound like something I would do. You’re not committing to anything at all - I’m just trying to figure out whether there’s any interest in this kind of coaching. Thanks for helping me out!
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