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KC and I went on a date night this past weekend to see a movie. I didn't know much about it going in. In fact, the only thing KC had heard was, "Don't watch it with your parents." So naturally, I assumed there would be lots of sex. Well it turns out, it was about a struggling marriage… where they were actually having no sex at all. And there were a couple scenes in particular, that really stood out to me. The first is when a therapist looks at this couple and says, "You can build a new relationship with someone else... or you can build a new relationship with each other. But either way... this relationship is over." At first, I thought, Well geez… that's depressing. But then I thought about it a little more and realized that it’s actually very hopeful. Because I don't think she was saying their marriage had to end. I think she was saying this version of their marriage had to end. The version where he was so discouraged and unhappy with life. The version where she felt so alone. The version where they were both waiting for the other person to change. Later in the movie, the husband sits down at a piano he hasn't touched in years. He once dreamed of being a musician in a successful rock band, and when that dream didn’t happen, he just stopped playing. In fact, he kept the door closed to his music room. It was just too painful to even look at it. And the real tragedy isn’t that his band didn’t make it… it’s that he let that disappointment keep him from one of his greatest joys - something that was truly a part of him. And it made me wonder, how many of us have done the exact same thing? Maybe not with music, but with something that once made us feel alive… But we gave it up because our disappointment made us believe it doesn’t matter anymore. Disappointment happens... Our lives may not turn out like we had hoped and things don’t always go according to plan. Maybe we don’t get the promotion… our health changes… our finances are tight… we’re struggling to get pregnant… our parents are aging. Maybe you’re just looking around and thinking “Is this really what I thought my life would look like?” The disappointment itself isn’t the problem. The problem is when we let it change us... When we just live in that disappointment and project in on to everything around us. And then it becomes all we see. And we become a little less patient. A little less hopeful. A little less engaged in our lives and with our people. And without even realizing it, that's the version of ourselves we bring home every day. And think about this… Our spouse didn't create that version of us. They didn’t even marry that version of us! But now… that’s the person they live with. So I want to challenge you a little bit… (And I promise, I had to take a good hard look at myself after seeing this movie too!) I want you to honestly think about whether the disappointment in your life has changed the person you’ve been showing up as lately… And I want you to think about that, because here is what I know: There are so many things in life we can’t control. But one thing we can control is what version of ourselves we bring home to our spouse. And an easy way to figure this out is to ask yourself this simple question: Would I want to be married to me right now? And if the answer is no - that’s ok. We are imperfect people. And more importantly, we can’t change what we don’t see. But if you do see it, and you don’t like what you see, the good news is: Who you've been lately doesn't have to be who you stay. But in order to change, you have to take ownership of your life again. We may not get to choose our circumstances, but we do get to choose who we become because of it. So maybe your first step is finally talking to a counselor or coach. Maybe it's asking for help instead of trying to do everything yourself. Maybe it's calling that friend you've lost touch with. Maybe it's simply taking a walk after dinner instead of collapsing on the couch. Maybe it's getting back to something that used to make you feel alive - “playing your piano again.” We all have a "piano." Mine may not be the same as yours. But we all have something that helps us reconnect with ourselves a little bit more... something that reminds us there's more to us than work, errands, responsibilities, and stress. So this week, if your marriage - or maybe even your spouse - has quietly become one more thing on your disappointment list… don't spend all your energy trying to fix it. Go find your piano. Because every time you step back into something that makes you feel more alive, you bring a healthier version of yourself home. Your spouse doesn’t need a perfect version of you. But they do deserve the healthiest version of you that you’re willing to become. And when you change the person you bring home every day, you change the marriage you come home to. ❤️ This newsletter is just the beginning of the conversation. If this made you stop and think, I think you'll really enjoy this week's podcast. I go deeper into the story behind these lessons, share the two questions every couple should ask instead of asking, "How do we get back to the way we used to be?" and explain why becoming a healthier person is one of the greatest gifts you can give your marriage. You can watch the episode on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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