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Let's talk about jealousy. Doesn’t that sound fun? 😂 While it’s not always easy to talk about, and it’s certainly not enjoyable to feel, almost every person experiences it at some point. So I think it’s worth talking about, and primarily because most of us have no idea what to do with it when it shows up. When we feel jealous, we usually make one of two assumptions. We either assume something is wrong with us... or we assume something is wrong with our partner. Maybe you've had a moment where your partner is talking to someone attractive, reconnects with an old friend, spends a lot of time with a coworker, or seems excited about something that doesn't include you. You get that yuck feeling in your stomach. Your chest gets tight. Your mind starts racing. And because it's uncomfortable, your brain immediately gets to work trying to explain it. So you start asking yourself, "Why am I feeling this way?" Which is often followed by, "I shouldn't be jealous. This is ridiculous. I should be more confident. I'm just being insecure." And before long, we're judging ourselves for having the feeling in the first place. We label jealousy as bad and decide we shouldn't be feeling it. OR… We go in the exact opposite direction and make it about our partner. "If I feel jealous, they must be doing something wrong. Why are they acting like that? They shouldn't be talking to that person. They need to stop doing that so I don't feel this way." And while those reactions look very different, they actually have something in common… Neither one requires us to understand what the jealousy is trying to tell us. Instead, we immediately start looking for someone to blame - either ourselves or our partner. But what if jealousy doesn’t automatically mean that anyone has done anything wrong? What if it's simply information? Think about every other emotion for a minute… If you're sad, it usually tells you something matters deeply to you. If you're angry, it often tells you a boundary has been crossed. If you're scared, it tells you there's a threat. (real or perceived) Emotions are messengers. And jealousy is no different. So the problem isn't that we feel jealous. The problem is that we often skip right past the message part and go straight to the reaction. (That's when jealousy starts creating problems in relationships!) The jealousy itself isn’t the problem, but what we do with it often is. You can have a completely understandable reason for feeling jealous and still handle it poorly: going through our partner’s phone, conducting a full interrogation, making accusations, pulling away, etc. But the good news is, that while we don’t always get to choose our emotions (we feel what we feel), we do get to choose what happens next. So this means that we can feel jealous and still be respectful… and still be accountable… and still have thoughtful conversations… and not turn our partner into the enemy. So the next time jealousy shows up, instead of asking who's wrong, try asking a different question: What is this feeling trying to tell me? In my experience, jealousy usually points to one of three things. 1. It might be pointing to a boundary.Sometimes jealousy is telling us that there's a conversation that needs to happen. Maybe the two of you have different ideas about what's appropriate with friends, coworkers, exes, or social media. Maybe something feels disrespectful to you, even if your partner doesn't see it that way. Maybe expectations have never been clearly discussed. Maybe the boundaries you set in the beginning of your relationship no longer feel good and need to be revisited. The goal is to have a conversation that helps both of you feel respected and connected. 2. It might be pointing to an insecurity.This is the one most of us don't love. Sometimes jealousy shines a spotlight on a fear we have. Maybe you're comparing yourself to someone else. Maybe you’re feeling less confident than usual. Maybe you’re worried you’re not enough. There is no shame in having insecurities. But it is hard to address something we won't acknowledge. So your jealousy may have more to do with what's happening inside of you than what's happening around you. 3. It might be pointing to a desire.I think this is the one people miss most often. Sometimes jealousy is simply revealing something you want. Maybe you want more connection, more quality time, or more affection. Maybe you want to feel chosen, valued, desired, or prioritized. (Don’t we all?) Or maybe it has nothing to do with a romantic relationship and you feel jealous of a coworker who gets a promotion. Or a friend who starts a new business. Or someone on social media who appears to have the life you want. Jealousy may be alerting you that you need more challenges in your career. Or that it’s time to start saving for that second home by the water. Or that you need more community or friendships in your life. So when we pay attention to what that feeling is telling us, we can stop focusing on the jealousy itself and start focusing on what we actually want. So I have a challenge for you this week: The next time you feel jealous, don't judge and tell yourself you “shouldn’t” feel that way. And don't immediately assume your partner has done something wrong. Pause and ask yourself: Is this pointing to a boundary? Is this pointing to an insecurity? Is this pointing to a desire?
Because once you know what the jealousy is trying to tell you, you can actually do something useful with it… like having a conversation, examining your fears, or getting after what you really want in life. Remember, jealousy is simply an emotion. And like every emotion, it has something to teach us if we're willing to pay attention. If you'd like to go deeper into this topic, including how jealousy can actually strengthen a relationship when handled well, listen to this week's episode of Relating with Jen Funk: You can watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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