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A couple weeks ago, I recorded a podcast and wrote my newsletter all about jealousy. And I invited you all to consider that our jealousy - as uncomfortable as it may feel - may even be helpful if we listen to what it’s trying to tell us. And it’s often trying to tell us we need to negotiate (or renegotiate) our boundaries. And I loved hearing from so many of you (I read every one of your emails, so please keep them coming!) who said, “That’s all well and good, but HOW DO I ACTUALLY DO THAT?” So let’s talk about it. I know it’s easy to say, "You need better boundaries." But it's a whole lot harder when you're sitting across from the person you love trying to decide: Is being friends with an ex okay? Should you share passwords? Is following half of Instagram's swimsuit models really "no big deal?" And I’d love to tell you Yes! or No! (and if you jump on the internet, you’ll find lots of people who love to give their opinions on those things!) 😂 But I can’t do that… I only know what works for KC and me. So I can’t tell you what you and your partner will be comfortable with… but I can help you figure it out. Before you do, keep in mind that every person has different history and life experience they bring to the table. For example, if someone was cheated on in the past, they will obviously have a different level of sensitivity than someone who hasn’t. The goal is to create boundaries that help both people feel respected, considered and secure. To determine what works in your relationship, try this: 1. Get curious. If our partner tells us they are bothered by our behavior, what do we typically do? We start defending ourselves. And how does that usually work? It doesn’t. Instead, ask questions like: Help me understand why this bothers you. What does this mean to you? What would help you feel better about this?
And then really listen. You don’t have to agree yet. Your job is simply to understand where they’re coming from. 2. Don't fight for your rights. Fight for your relationship. One of the biggest mistakes I see is people saying, "Well, I have a right to do that." And they're usually right. We all have a right to privacy. To have friends. To make our own choices. But here's the big question: Just because you CAN do something... does that mean you SHOULD? Is it really the best choice for your relationship? Healthy relationships aren't built on people insisting on their rights. They're built on two people who consider each other and are willing to make adjustments when it helps the relationship. 3. Find an agreement you both can live with. This is not the same as: Find an agreement that makes you both happy. Because that's not always possible. Relationships require compromise. And compromise usually means neither person gets exactly what they want. One person gives a little, then the other person gives a little. So in finding an agreement that works, it’s important to ask yourself, “If there’s one small change I could make that would help my partner feel more loved, respected or secure, is it worth considering?” Maybe it’s checking in more often. Maybe it’s being more transparent. Maybe it’s changing one small behavior. Remember, healthy relationships aren't about getting your own way all the time. They're about two people who are willing to give a little, adjust a little, and create boundaries that works for both of them. If creating good boundaries is something you and your partner struggle with, I think you’ll really enjoy this week's podcast. I go much deeper into how to decide what boundaries make sense for your relationship, without looking to social media or your friends to tell you what's "normal." And I'd love to hear from you. Is there a boundary you've struggled with in your own relationship? Or is there another relationship topic you'd like me to cover in a future newsletter or podcast? Just hit "Reply." I really do read every email, and many of my podcast episodes (including this one!) come directly from your questions. You can watch the podcast episode on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify using the links below.
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