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It starts with something small… You walk in after a long day, see dishes in the sink, and say “Hey, I thought you were going to run the dishwasher?” You’re partner says, “I’ll get to it.” Instantly, your mind starts spinning and you say to yourself “Here we go again.” “He/she doesn’t even care what I’m saying anymore.” “I have to do everything around here.” Now your heart’s pounding a little faster, your voice gets sharper, and before you know it, you’re in a full-blown argument about chores, respect, and who does more. And we all know - this isn’t about the dishes. It’s the disconnection. Because when we feel disconnected from our partners, what would otherwise be a neutral conversation, can feel like an attack. Why This HappensWhen we feel disconnected from our partners, we often feel unseen or unimportant. Those feelings hurt - and when we feel hurt or angry, our brains don’t register logic; they register threat: A threat to our security (“Do I still matter to you?”) A threat to our belonging (“Am I alone in this relationship?”) A threat to our self-worth (“Am I not enough?”)
When those fears get triggered, the body reacts just like it would to real danger - heart racing, muscles tightening, ready to fight or flee. We stop listening and instinctively start protecting ourselves. So even small things can feel big, because of the story we tell ourselves in that split second. It’s rarely the dishes or the laundry or even the tone of voice. It’s most often what we make it mean. When we tell ourselves, “He doesn’t care,” “She’s never happy,” “I’m always the one trying,” our brain starts looking for proof of that story. That’s not just emotion… it’s science.
Your brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS) is designed to filter information based on what it believes is important. Once you decide, “He doesn’t care,” your RAS starts noticing every missed text, sigh, or delay as confirmation that it’s true - and quietly ignores the moments that don’t fit the story, the ones that would otherwise count as deposits in your emotional bank account. Before long, you’re not reacting to what’s actually happening - you’re reacting to the version of the relationship your brain has already decided is true. How to Reconnect Before You CommunicateWhen connection is missing, communication breaks down. When connection is strong, communication flows easily. Here are some ways to reconnect before communicating: 1. Catch the StoryPause and ask yourself: What am I telling myself right now? Is it fact - or a feeling looking for evidence? 2. Calm Yourself Before You RespondTake a breath, relax your shoulders, lower your tone. Connection can’t happen when your nervous system’s triggered and in defense mode. 3. Call Out the DisconnectionInstead of staying in a conversation that’s going nowhere, try: I don’t feel like we’re hearing each other right now. Can we try this again? This resets the tone without blaming either person. 4. Be Curious, Not CriticalHey, when I saw the dishes still in the sink, I felt frustrated. Can we talk about it? This opens a door instead of building a wall - or launching a grenade. 5. Rebuild Connection DailyIt all starts here. A few little things that keep you close: Hug and kiss at the beginning and end of each day (minimum!) Protect 10-20 minutes each day for uninterrupted time together Say “thank you” at least once a day for something you noticed
These tiny reconnections protect you from bigger disconnections later. This Week on the PodcastThis week on Relating with Jen Funk, we’re diving into why everyday small moments (like dishes in the sink!) can trigger such big reactions, how your inner dialogue drives your emotions, and how to calm, connect, and communicate in a way that brings you closer instead of apart. And don’t forget to like, follow or subscribe!
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