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Yes. I do. I don’t care that I’ve been married 24 years, I still want KC to look at me like he cannot get enough of me. I still want to feel wanted. And I bet that most of you reading this want the same in your relationship too. Remember back to the dating years? It was intense and focused and exciting! We were in hot pursuit of each other… We listened intently, noticed details, laughed a lot, flirted and felt all those butterflies in our bellies. And then we got married and started building beautiful lives together. And while it’s normal and healthy for our relationships to evolve from the intensity of the dating phase into the secure, bonded and comfortable type of love we develop in marriage, it’s also normal to miss the feeling of being wanted and chosen and pursued. Most of us really love our spouses. That’s not the issue. But we are busy and we are tired. Sometimes we are stressed, irritated or overstimulated. Our bodies are changing and sometimes we don’t feel all that confident in our own skin. And somewhere in the middle of all that… we stop reaching for each other. Because reaching starts to feel risky. When we reach for our partner, when we pursue them, we basically say,
“Hey… I still want you. Do you still want me?” Pursuing can feel risky and vulnerable. If you’ve ever felt rejected - even once - that can shut things down pretty fast. So instead of flirting with each other, we talk about logistics. We sit on opposite ends of the couch. We scroll on our phones. And then one day we sadly say, “The spark is gone.” But most of the time? It’s not the spark. It’s the pursuit. And when there is pursuit, there is romance. Pursuit is one partner reaching for the other. Romance is that amazing feeling you get when you are being pursued by your partner… That feeling of being wanted, and special, and chosen. And here’s a timely truth: Romance is not roses on Valentine’s Day. Romance is attention. Romance is: Putting your phone down when your partner starts to talk. Sitting next to each other instead of across the room. A flirty text at 2pm. A hand on the leg while you’re driving. “You look really good,” with no agenda behind it.
That’s what makes you feel chosen. And chosen feels sexy.🔥 So what do you actually do with that? Here are three simple ways to start this week: 1. Start with you. I know. It would be easier if they went first. But if you’re sitting there thinking, “Well if he wanted me, he would…” or “If she cared, she’d try…” If that’s you, you might be waiting a long time - and probably have been already. I know going first is vulnerable, but just do it. Send the flirty text.
Put your hand on their leg.
Wear the sexy thing you feel good in.
Initiate a kiss that lingers. It’s risky. But nothing changes when both of you are standing there waiting on the other person. Sometimes somebody just has to make the first move. 2. Bring back flirting. Not pressure. Not a “big romantic night.” Just fun, playful energy. A long look or a wink across the room.
A playful touch when you walk by.
A “Can’t wait to see you tonight🔥” text in the middle of the day.
A compliment about a specific body part - not just “You look nice.” These are just subtle little reminders that say “I see you. And I still choose you.” Flirting always lowers the tension. And tension is what kills desire. 3. Don’t overthink it - just start small. If you want help with that, I made something just for you. It’s a free guide full of ideas on how to bring pursuit and romance into your relationship. It’s called “Back to Butterflies - Small, Intentional Ways to Feel Chosen Again.” Nothing dramatic. Nothing cheesy. Just a list of ideas for you. Pick one to try this week. Click this link to get your copy: Back to Butterflies This Week on the Podcast:This week on the Relating with Jen Funk podcast, I continue the SPARK Intimacy Series talking all about Pursuit & Romance - the mismatch stuff, the rejection stuff, the pressure stuff, the “roommate energy” stuff - and how to bring pursuit and romance back in a way that actually feels doable. Click on the links to listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch on the YouTube channel. (Please like, subscribe and follow - this helps the show a lot! 😊)
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