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Last weekend, I had the opportunity to visit a wonderful friend in Wilmington, North Carolina. And we had a great time catching up on so many things, and then she began asking about my work, the couples I work with, and more specifically, the problems I see coming up over and over again. And then she asked: “If you could give couples just ONE piece of advice, what would it be?” And I had to think about it for a second. There are so many things I could say that are important! Communicate, deal with resentment, spend time together, be respectful, and the list goes on… But what actually came out of my mouth was: “Keep having sex.” And I said it kind of tongue-in-cheek, but then I thought, “Yep. I actually really mean that.” Because one thing I see over and over again is couples who used to have a pretty normal, enjoyable sex life, but somewhere along the way… they just stopped. And it’s not like one or both made a decision to stop. It’s more like… Once a week becomes a couple times a month. Then once a month. Then every few months… Until eventually someone thinks: “Wait... When WAS the last time we had sex?” And by the time some couples come to me for help… it’s been years. And the longer it’s been, the harder it is to get that part of your relationship going again. Because now it’s not just about having sex… There’s awkwardness and rejection to overcome. Bodies have changed, hormones too… Maybe one person is wondering if the other still finds them attractive. And most often, neither has talked about any of it. I do want to be very clear that I’m not suggesting you should have sex when you don’t want to. And I definitely don’t think there’s some magic number of times a week that determines whether you have a good relationship. What matters is what’s normal for the two of you, and whether that has changed. If you normally have a pretty regular sex life and suddenly realize it’s been a couple of months? That’s worth paying attention to. It doesn’t mean you need to panic. But you do need to notice. Because two months is a lot easier to talk about than two years! So if you and your partner have found yourselves in a bit of a dry spell, here are a few things to try: 1. Say something before it becomes a huge thing. Now please don’t start it off with “You never want to have sex with me anymore.” Trust me on this. 😬 Instead, try: “I realized we haven’t been physically close in a while, and I miss that part of us. Have you noticed that too?” You just want to open up the conversation, not make accusations. 2. Figure out what caused the change. (Notice I didn’t say who caused it.) Are you exhausted? Going to bed at different times? Feeling disconnected? Dealing with hormonal changes? Has one of you stopped initiating because you got tired of being turned down? Or did you simply get out of the habit? Determining what caused the change will help you determine what you might need to do about it. 3. Bring back physical touch (without the expectation it will always lead to sex.) Kiss each other. Like…actually kiss. (Not the little peck you give while grabbing your keys to head out the door.) Cuddle on the couch. Hold hands. Rub each other’s back. Touch when you walk past each other. Physical affection matters - even when it doesn’t end in sex. 4. Please don’t be embarrassed if your body has changed. We get older. Hormones change. Desire changes. Bodies change. So talk about it with each other. And if there’s something physical going on, talk to your doctor too. (HRT - and testosterone in particular - has been a game changer for me!) Silently struggling with these changes will not help… you have to talk about it. And finally… 5. Don’t assume your sex life will magically fix itself. Sometimes life gets crazy for a month and everything returns to normal… and that’s great. But if it doesn’t? Talk about it and take some action sooner than later. So when I told my friend my most important advice was “keep having sex,” I wasn’t saying: Have sex X times a week or your marriage is going to fall apart. I’m just saying: Protect that part of your relationship. Make it a priority. Keep talking about it. Let it change as you change. And don’t let something that used to be an enjoyable and important part of the two of you quietly disappear and become something you can’t even talk about. I go much deeper into this topic in this week’s podcast/YouTube episode, including the time in my own marriage when I was SO touched-out from having three little kids that I didn’t want KC to touch me at all. I share how we worked through that, what has changed for us as we’ve gotten older, and why I think sometimes we make sex way more complicated than it needs to be. You can watch or listen to the full episode by clicking the links below:
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