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I heard someone say recently, “Your marriage should always come first.” And honestly? I immediately thought… Wellllll… maybe. Usually. But always? I don’t agree. But I do understand the reasoning behind it. Research shows that kids benefit from stable, connected parents. So investing in the marriage is a huge gift we can give to our kids. Research also shows that couples who do not nurture their relationship after having kids slowly become like roommates or logistics coordinators managing schedules, sports, and carpools. I’ve seen so many couples realize (after the kids leave) that they haven’t really felt connected in years. But I also think this conversation can be a lot more complicated. Especially after divorce.
Especially in blended families.
Especially when children have already experienced loss, change, or instability. Because I don’t actually think the healthiest families are built by rigidly deciding “who comes first.” I think healthy families are built when nobody consistently feels left out, or unimportant or last on the list. That includes spouses.
That includes kids.
That includes stepkids.
Honestly… everybody. One of the things I talk about in this week’s podcast is how different this conversation can feel in first marriages versus remarriages. In a healthy first marriage, prioritizing the marriage creates security for the children too. The home feels more stable when mom and dad are connected. But after divorce and remarriage, kids are often navigating really complicated emotions and asking themselves: Where do I belong now?
Am I still important?
Is there still a place for me here? And I think parents can unintentionally underestimate how sensitive those dynamics can feel for children - even adult children. I actually shared a personal story in this episode about my own dad remarrying when I was in college and how one small moment really affected me emotionally for a long time. He wasn’t trying to hurt me… he was trying to love multiple people well. And sometimes, we don’t always know how to do that. And so I think this conversation is really important, because so many families are struggling with hurt feelings, divided loyalties, and unspoken expectations around this exact issue. So if you can relate to this discussion from either perspective, here are a few things I’d encourage you to think about this week: ACTION STEP #1:
Have a conversation with your partner. Don’t assume you and your spouse or partner automatically see this issue the same way. A lot of couples never talk about expectations until somebody already feels hurt. Talk about:
What did your family model growing up?
Did you feel prioritized as a child?
What makes each of you feel secure?
What does “prioritizing the marriage” actually mean to you? Those conversations matter more than people realize, whether it’s your first marriage or your next marriage. ACTION STEP #2:
Pay attention to who feels emotionally last. Not who technically comes first… but who might be the one who feels unseen, disconnected, or like the afterthought. Because that’s usually where resentment starts growing. ACTION STEP #3:
Create small moments of connection intentionally. I’m a broken record about this, I know. But connection happens in the small, everyday moments. For your marriage, maybe that’s sitting together for 10 minutes at night instead of automatically scrolling your phones. For your kids, maybe it’s one-on-one time, asking deeper questions, or simply being more emotionally available during transitions or stressful seasons. If you want to go deeper into this conversation, I unpack all of this in this week’s podcast episode - including why so many experts say “marriage first,” why I think the conversation changes in blended families, and what healthy prioritization actually looks like in real life. You can watch or listen using these links:
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