How to Handle Anger in Marriage Without Losing Connection
I’m just going to say it… every healthy marriage has at least one moment (or maybe many ) where you look at your spouse and think:
“I cannot believe I married this @#$%!.”
Yep. I’ve been there. And before you feel too bad for KC, let’s be honest… at some point, I’m sure he’s had the exact same thought about me!
And is he really a [insert your choice word here]? Of course not. I love that man more than anything in the world! But I can also get so darn angry with him that I just have to leave the room (or the house!) because I don’t even want to share the same air.
And maybe that feels a little crazy - the whiplash between loving so deeply and being so angry and frustrated. But it’s not crazy. It’s marriage.
And if you’ve felt this same level of anger toward the person you love most, you’re not crazy either. What you probably are… is really hurt. Hurt by something they said. Something they didn’t say. Or something they did - or didn’t do.
Because anger almost always has something softer underneath it: hurt.
When you are feeling angry with your partner…
Take These Steps to Get Beneath the Anger and Back to Connection:
Step Away to Cool Down
Don’t try to engage until you have cooled down. Give yourself some space: walk outside, splash water on your face, or even drive around the block (my personal favorite!). When your body calms down, your brain can catch up.
Ask the Gut Check Question
“Am I going to leave him/her over this?”
For me, the answer has always been no. But asking that question helps me shift out of “this marriage is doomed” mode and back into “okay, what’s actually going on here and how can we fix it?” More often than not, this isn’t a marriage-ending crisis… It’s a heated moment. That perspective matters.
Look for the Hurt Underneath
Ask yourself: “What’s the real hurt here?”
Do I feel disrespected?
Unseen? Ignored?
Unloved?
Anger can feel more comfortable than hurt, because anger feels powerful, while hurt just… hurts. But we can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge. Name your hurt so you can share it.
Say the Hurt, Not the Heat
Instead of, “You made me so mad when you didn’t call!” try:
“When you didn’t call, I felt unimportant.” OR
“When you forgot to call, it felt like I don’t matter to you.”
Yes, this feels vulnerable. You might wonder, “What if I cry? or What if they don’t understand?” But here’s what I know… Anger builds walls. Vulnerability invites connection. Be brave enough to share your hurt.
Choose Repair Over Revenge
In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to want to “win” the fight… prove your point, get the last word, make them feel how mad you are! But in marriage, you can either win the fight or protect the relationship. True repair means calming down and saying, “Our connection matters more than being right.”
So the next time your fists are clenched, jaw tight, ready to scream or pack a bag… Pause and ask yourself: “Am I really leaving over this?”
If the answer is no, then you have a choice. You can stay stuck in the anger, or you can take these 5 steps toward repair. One keeps you locked in the same fight, the other moves you back to being on the same team.
Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about never fighting. It’s about always finding your way back to each other.
P.S. If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same fights, let’s change that. Click here to schedule a free consultation call, and let’s talk about what’s possible for your relationship. I am now offering 1:1 sessions with women, men & couples and groups for women.
P.P.S. If you are enjoying my blog posts, or know someone else who may benefit, please share! Just send them to my website at www.jenfunkcoaching.com to see the archive or sign up for my weekly newsletter send right to your inbox. Also available on the website - my FREE ebook to download called “The 5 Simple Habits to Improve Your Relationship TODAY!”
